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Fleeting Thoughts Feed
This is a collection of personal thoughts, not really for an audience. But this is an open notebook, after all. So anyone is welcome to peep!
April 25, 2026 @ 8:30 PM
I know many out there will think I am “not normal.”
Why can’t she spend time with me instead of scribbling something? What sort of spiritual person is she, who isn’t doing anything to help people?
To them, I wish to ask — what is normal? And before that, what is spirituality?
Promoting welfare? That’s not spirituality… that's philanthropy.
Helping others? That’s not spirituality… that's community service.
Being part of a spiritual group? That’s not spirituality… that's socializing.
So what is spirituality?
It simply means being integrated with your spirit.
Now, what if being integrated with my spirit is writing, for me?
That’s my normal… for there is no “the” normal… just your normal and my normal.
Sri Devi 💕
April 25, 2026 @ 10 AM
They say every woman has three sides… strangely, my names seem to echo them:
My legal name… Uma — a name of Parvati, who represents learning to manage the SELF within a family; my duties there feel fulfilled.
My spiritual name… Sri Devi — a name of Lakshmi, about supporting the growth of others; that feels complete as well.
Now I’m in the third phase of what's been a hectic life… but for the first time ever, I have some time for myself. And the direction came through dreams:
One in which my monk-friend called me Gayatri — a name of Sarasvati — as if naming what lies ahead.
Another in which SHE appeared at my window, dressed in a white saree and seated on a golden throne.
But this time I'm independently choosing my identity… in my own style… Esdee, the storyteller.
Alongside that, I’ll keep scribbling in this personal playground... which gives me a space to pen down my learnings and thoughts.
Sri Devi 💕
April 24, 2026 @ 10:48 PM
Forgiveness is never easy. It doesn’t just arrive; it comes in gradual waves. Resistance, turmoil, tears… and then, a softening.
For me, that change began when my monk-friend addressed me as “Sri Devi” in an email. Not as flattery or validation… just a simple utterance. And yet, it conveyed something profound: an indication of the place that had been offered to me.
Ego seeks validation and power; love merely seeks a place in the heart. That was him offering me what no amount of money or power in this world could provide.
My husband, my son, and my monk-friend — they've been my closest friends. The wise say, “Show me your friends, and I’ll tell you who you are.” If such beautiful souls have found their way into my life, I can only feel proud and grateful.
Above all, through all my trials, life has given me something even more valuable: the eternal presence of Devi in my life. Not as an idea, but as a living force.
What more is there to attain?
There is now only fulfillment, contentment... and a sense of completion.
Sri Devi 💕
April 24, 2026 @ 7:03 AM
After hours of travel, I arrived at my monk-friend’s place, but he wasn’t there. He was away on a retreat, only due back near the end of my stay. This posed a slight inconvenience. I wasn’t new to him, but I was still new to this environment.
Almost immediately, I sensed it: the stares and the glares. Then one of the resident monks heard my legal name, and her eyes widened. Seeing that I was utterly clueless, she filled me in. My monk-friend had apparently spoken very highly of me a few days before I arrived—perhaps lifting me to the sky, judging by how people behaved.
To praise me directly is one thing; he had done that before, and it had triggered quite some issues for me. But to praise me, in my absence, to others; this was something else entirely. Soon, I understood: the Vishnu-like work had already begun. The silent invocation of what is called spiritual jealousy.
Candidly speaking, I didn’t know how to react. Annoyed was more like it, maybe. Felt used even.
A while later, my monk-friend sent me an email. I won’t share its contents for privacy, but the message was clear: think of them as your children and forgive. This was years before the full-on drama that later unfolded between his followers and me.
Another message followed, equally cryptic (paraphrased for privacy): if you are sad and angry... I must have done something wrong. My apologies.
We can never know anyone’s intentions with complete certainty, but this felt intuitively evident to me—what he was doing.
Spiritual jealousy is one of the fastest ways people grow. Many sages have spoken about it in the scriptures. Yet, it is still a kind of poison, as they’ve warned. Think of it as a bitter medicine; almost a last resort for a hopeless situation. Only an extraordinary guru can handle it, and even they often require a counterpart.
So I endured—as an act of selfless service, a virtue my monk-friend had personally highlighted. I watched individuals drag my name through the dirt. I received their stones with as much grace as I could manage, shed umpteen tears, and then forgave... both my monk-friend and his spiritual family.
It doesn’t matter whether the world believes any of this or not... I know I’ve served my purpose. And the process evolved me as a person and as a writer. That is enough for me.
Sri Devi 💕
April 23, 2026 @ 8:11 PM
I know this may be slightly offbeat, but my Ishta is Goddess Lakshmi—and there’s a very profound reason for that.
Lakshmi, to me, is the true embodiment of Jaya—triumph.
Why? Because you can only lose if you give up. What if you never give up? Then there is either victory or learning… never failure. It may not come in a year… maybe it takes a hundred—but it will.
That’s Lakshmi for you. She transforms every situation into a personal victory. She rises from everything like gold purified in fire.
Which is why the world reveres her as "The Sri Devi."
People often see her as the docile one seated at Vishnu’s feet—but what they miss is that she also resides in his heart and occupies his mind… and in that sense, she is very much the force guiding it all.
And to Vishnu devotees—this is not to diminish your Lord. I’m simply echoing what Lord Rama himself expressed: say Sita’s name before mine, because she is the force that moves me.
Sri Devi 💕
April 23, 2026 @ 9:15 AM
I tried to be a mentor (for free). People turned me into a guru, and I accepted it out of compassion. But let’s be honest—most of them came from an ocean of followers of a monk. It was obvious what I was: with no access to the monk, I became the next best alternative.
Even so, I accepted them. But they always had one foot on both shores. And if you’re not anchored to one, the river will carry you away. Period.
I never had a guru—just a monk-friend who became a mentor. When I met him, he was a nobody, known only to a small circle of family and friends. He hadn’t authored a single book, and his early blogs and videos were mediocre.
Heck, he himself wasn’t even sure if he was a guru, as he told me. So my faith didn’t come from his status. It didn’t come from how he appeared or behaved—we never really know who anyone is behind our backs.
Still, my eyes never wandered. I trusted because that’s who I am. I listen to my own heart and believe it knows what’s best for me.
If you don’t have that level of trust (in something or in yourself), then don’t take on a guru. Simple as that.
As for me, I never wanted to be a guru anyway, so I stepped back. Now those who once called me that are free to follow the monk—or anyone else—without guilt.
I have one lovely, lovely son… that’s more than enough.
Sri Devi 💕
April 22, 2026
I had traveled from the US to meet my monk-friend. Back then, the place was barren. I had traveled 30+ hours straight—from my home in the US, through airports, directly to this place. And yet, there was nobody to receive me at the front desk.
For quite a while, I stood there without food or water or shelter, until someone finally came out… this, despite my having informed them of my arrival well in advance. That’s how remote this place was.
During that time, a wannabe monk lived there. She was immensely kind to me. An event had just ended, and she had safely stored a japa mala. She gave it to me, saying, “I was wondering who this was waiting for… I guess it was you!”
I felt overwhelmed with gratitude—but I had nothing to offer her. Sometimes, you feel poor even when you have money. This was one of those moments.
A few days later, a woman flew in from the US. She needed some assistance, and I offered it. At the dining hall, she gave me a small box of hot chocolate mix. I thanked her and, with her permission, passed it on to the wannabe monk.
The wannabe monk apologized that the flavor didn’t suit her and gave it to a young man who had supported her. The young man wasn’t particularly fond of the flavor (it was distinctly American), and he ended up returning it to the same woman from the US.
Suddenly, I—and someone else (I can’t recall who)—realized what had just happened. The gift had returned to its original owner, but somehow, all of us had cleared our karmic debts to one another.
It was almost comical, because I had heard a similar story from my monk-friend—and this was like watching a live-action version of it.
Life truly has a strange way of revealing its truths.
Sri Devi 💕
April 21, 2026
Had a dream that I was dead and dressed in red and yellow. Rather than being upset, I felt joyful. Why? That's how I've been feeling of late.
All my desires have been fulfilled... not even a purpose of being useful. I waited for motivation to arrive. But then this dream, along with a few other incidents, convinced me that motivation would never arrive.
Desire is the base engine of life, and even if anything existed in the far corner... It's now gone. So I just have to motivate myself to accomplish something small for myself every day. A new stage of life... something to learn every day.
Sri Devi 💕
April 20, 2026
This year... pretty soon... my only son turns 18. I was reminded of his actual birth day from many years back.
I had called the nurse helpline. She asked me to rate my pain… I calmly said, “9 out of 10.”
“You don’t sound like a 9,” she said—but told me to come over just in case.
My husband was driving, and on the way, my water broke. By the time I reached the hospital, I was almost ready to give birth right there! Within 20–30 minutes, I literally waltzed in and out of the delivery room.
My son didn’t trouble me even at birth. He made sure momma didn’t hurt or struggle much.
And there was also a Black woman who helped me from the car to the delivery room. “This will all be worth it, dear,” she said—right words at the right time. I have tears thinking of her kindness even today.
Sri Devi 💕
April 18, 2026
I don't share my thoughts to educate or even to express myself. My mind is churning thoughts at the pace of light, and this space is precisely the outlet they need.
Can't I stop my thoughts through meditation? Of course, I can. But that comes with a downside: it kills my creativity.
So, I guess thoughts aren't terrible after all. They allow me to do something productive with my life. And so I decided to keep them... even if they can be annoying at times.
Sri Devi 💕
Thoughts are ephemeral. Expecting them to last is human folly. As a result, the contents of this page are subject to change or deletion at any time.
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